EMAIL FUNNIES

These are some of the best funny emails I get at work.  I thought I'd put them altogether to give you a kind of jolly fun fest jamboree!  They're all chaotically random so just go through and see what makes you smile.  I'll add 'em as I get 'em.

 BEWARE!

               

  


 

  Latest kitchen accessory for women

 

 New ride at Alton Towers?

 

Finally, I get Pandas in my garden!

 

Brilliant!

 

 Marriage (Part I)

 Typical macho man  married typical good-looking lady  and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 "I'll be home when  I want, if I want and at what time I  want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great  dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't  be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those  are my rules. Any comments?"

 His new bride  said, "No, that's fine with me. Just  understand that  there will be sex here at seven o'clock every  night...whether  you're here or not."

 

Marriage (Part II)

 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their  40th wedding  anniversary!

 The husband yells,  "When you die, I'm getting you a  headstone that reads,"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

 "Yeah?" she  replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At  Last.'"

 

 Marriage (Part III)

 Husband (a doctor)  and his wife are having a fight at the  breakfast  table.

 Husband gets up in  a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed  either," and storms out of the house.

 After sometime he  realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and  rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,  and the  irritated husband says, what  took you so long to answer the phone?"

 She says, "I was  in bed."

 In bed this early, doing what?"

 "Getting a second  opinion!"

 

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six  children and is very proud of his  achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"  Mother of Six" in spite of her  objections.

One night, they go  to a party. The man decides that it's time to go  home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave  as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife,  irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

  

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife  were having some problems at home and  were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly the man  realized that the next day he would  need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning  business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the  silence, he wrote on a piece  of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew  she would find it. The next morning the  man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his  flight. Furious, he was about to go and  see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of  paper by the bed. The paper said, "It  is 5:00am. Wake up."

 

 BLONDE JOKES

 GEOGRAPHY?

 Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and  one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...  Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????

 CAR TROUBLE

 A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it  died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She  says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"

 SPEEDING TICKET

 A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely  if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would  get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then  today you expect me to show it to you!"

 RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees  another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to  the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river  and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 KNITTING

 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel  was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and  siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 BLONDE ON THE SUN

 A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

 The Russian  said, "We were the first in space!" 

 The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

 The Blonde said,  "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

 The Russian and the  American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the  sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

 To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 IN A VACUUM

 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She  rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you  are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought  for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 ON A PLANE

 A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

 The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

 The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

 The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

 "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

  FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,  and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was  named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like  that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

 WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

 HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

 HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

 HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

 HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

 HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

 HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

 HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

 HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

 HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

 HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

 HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

 HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

 HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

 HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

 HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

 HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

 HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

 HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

 

CLASSIC

 A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

 "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished. He thought How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children. Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you?  We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

 

 RE: SWEARING AT WORK

 To All Staff,

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals  throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore a list of 18 new and innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

  1) TRY SAYING:
 I think you could use more training.
 INSTEAD OF:
 You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

   2) TRY SAYING:
 She's an aggressive go-getter.
 INSTEAD OF:
 She's a ball-busting c__t.

   3) TRY SAYING:
 Perhaps I can work late.
 INSTEAD OF:
 And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?

   4) TRY SAYING:
 I'm certain that isn't feasible.
 INSTEAD OF:
 No f___ing chance.

   5) TRY SAYING:
 Really?
 INSTEAD OF:
 You've got to be sh__ing me!

   6) TRY SAYING:
 Perhaps you should check with...
 INSTEAD OF:
 Tell someone who gives a f__.

   7) TRY SAYING:
 I wasn't involved in the project.
 INSTEAD OF:
 It's not my f____ing problem.

   8) TRY SAYING:
 That's interesting.
 INSTEAD OF:
 What the f___?

   9) TRY SAYING:
 I'm not sure this can be implemented.
 INSTEAD OF:
 This sh__ won't work.

   10) TRY SAYING:
 I'll try to schedule that in.
 INSTEAD OF:
 Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner? 

  11) TRY SAYING:
 He's not familiar with the issues.
 INSTEAD OF:
 He's got his head up his a__. 

  12) TRY SAYING:
 Excuse me sir?
 INSTEAD OF:
 Eat sh__ and die.

   13) TRY SAYING:
 So you weren't happy with it?
 INSTEAD OF:
 Kiss my f___ a__.

   14) TRY SAYING:
 I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
 INSTEAD OF:
 F___ it, I'm not doing overtime.

   15) TRY SAYING:
 I don't think you understand.
 INSTEAD OF:
 Shove it up your a__ dumb f____

   16) TRY SAYING:
 I love a challenge.
 INSTEAD OF:
 This job sucks c__k.

   17) TRY SAYING:
 You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF:
 Who the f___ died and made you boss?

   18 ) TRY SAYING:
 He's somewhat insensitive.
 INSTEAD OF:
 He's a pr_ck.

  Thank You,

 Human Resources

 

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS

 The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

 Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

  

SECRETARY’S PRAYER

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off
And also
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

 

 DEAR ALCOHOL

 Dear Alcohol ,

 First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my  friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been  wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has  led to some unwise consequences:

 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I  question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those  ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I  eat a taco with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a  Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an excellent eater, but I think you went too far this time.

 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do  more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and  the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than  45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely  unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)  prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in  no way interfere with my daily activities.

 Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to  ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with theextra money in my pockets.

 In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my  grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

  Thank you,

 Your biggest fan

  P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 1. Innovative

 2. Preliminary

 3. Proliferation

 4. Cinnamon

  THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 1. Specificity

 2. British Constitution

 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

 THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

 2. Nope, no more beer for me.

 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

 SMOKING IN THE RAIN

 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

 One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 Lady 1: What's that?

 Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 Lady 1: Where did you get it?

 Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

 The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

 The pharmacist fainted.

 

 Funny Hospital Notes:

Actual Writings on Patients' Charts

 1. The patient refused autopsy.

 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 13. She is numb from her toes down.

 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 15. The skin was moist and dry.

 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

  

TWO LITTLE BOYS …

 A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

 The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

 So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

 The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

 The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. 

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

 So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

 The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

 When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

  

PLANE FLIGHT

 On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.  One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of  the plane. "I'm too young  too young to die," she wails. Then, "Well, if  I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is  there  ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" 

 For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.  They  all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

 A well built man with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes gets up. He starts to walk slowly up  the  aisle, unbuttoning his shirt - one button at a time. ...  No one moves. ... Everyone is transfixed. ... He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ... She gasps..

 He whispers ... "Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer.”

 

 PREGNANCY Q & A

 Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

 Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

 Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

 Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

 Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.

  

Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply...

 AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

  

MOOD SWINGS

 My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

 When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

 When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.

 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

  

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 From: Subject:  State Employee Handbook

 THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

By Arnold Schwarzenegger

 SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturday & Sunday.

 LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average! figure.Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

 DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 Thank you for your loyalty. We wish to provide a positive employment experience. 

THE GOVERNATOR

 

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the 800 he owes me?"

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information  pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a

position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an  accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest  removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The pr priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." 

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking  to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a  Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one  wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want  to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,  an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!  he's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The  manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below  the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get  to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and  found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch  of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the  top of  the tree.  Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the  tree.

 

 Moral of the story: Bullsht might get you to the top, but it  won't keep you there.

 

Minutes of fun http://www.foulds2000.freeserve.co.uk/economists.htm

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

 Female    Any part under a car's hood.

 Male       The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

 Female.   Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another

 Male..     Playing football without a jock strap.

 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

 Female.   The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner

 Male..     Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys

 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

 Female.......     A desire to get married and raise a family.

 Male...........    Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

 Female......      A good movie, concert, play or book.

 Male..........     Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

 Female......      An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

 Male...........    A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

 Female.......     A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

 Male...........    A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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