It is 10.15am. Roberta Longone rushes, breathless, into the offices of Grail and Peace Solicitors. Her boss, Mike Michaelson, immediately jumps up from his desk and hurries towards her.

"You’re late!" he cries.

"Sorry," Roberta gasps. "My mascara dried up and then I couldn’t find my house keys. And I missed my bus. Bloody driver saw me sprinting towards it like an Olympic athlete but sailed passed with a smile on his face. And then – "

"Follow me," Mike says, grabbing hold of her arm and pulling her across the enormous open plan office.

"But … " Roberta gasps.

"Come on."

"But … "

Suddenly they’re in the glass, hallowed office of Jack Sunnier, Partner of Grail and Peace Solicitors. Jack Sunnier looks across his expansive desk at Roberta Longone.

"Is this her?" he says to Mike Michaelson.

Mike Michaelson nods. Jack indicates a chair in front of his desk, and Mike Michaelson finally releases his grip on Roberta’s arm. She drops into the chair, rubbing her arm, muttering, "If I’m bruised, I’m suing."

"Are you ready for the important task ahead?" Jack Sunnier asks solemnly.

"I just need to go to the toilet first," Roberta says.

"I don’t think that’s allowed."

"What?"

Jack Sunnier’s attentive secretary brings a paperback book over to Jack’s desk. "The thief said we’re to follow Dan Brown’s Da Vinci book down to the last detail or he’ll destroy the double size statue of three men and a scroll," Jack says, flicking through the pages. "I don’t think there’s any mention in this or any of his other books of anyone going to the toilet."

The Attentive Secretary nods her head in agreement.

"But," Roberta whines, squirming in her chair, "I need to go."

Jack glances at watch. "Well, I suppose legally you haven’t accepted the job yet, so … be quick."

Roberta rushes off. Minutes later, she rushes back to discover a small crowd gathered outside Jack’s office – some curious lawyers, some interested secretaries, most just using any excuse to skive off work.

"You’ll have to pick someone to go with you on this mission," Jack tells Roberta as she forces her way through the bodies into the Jack’s office.

"Why?"

"Well Dan Brown always has a love interest in his books."

"Does he?" Everyone flicks through their copy of the Da Vinci Code.

"Well there’s always someone of the opposite sex who provides some kind of love interest."

"I don’t think that’s strictly true," a secretary from litigation says.

"Well the main characters always get together at the end," says a senior associate.

"And then there’s barely a mention of the poor woman in the follow-up book," someone else says, "Obviously a very shallow character."

Everyone nods in agreement.

"Well, anyway," Jack says to Roberta, "You’ll need an accomplice. Make it a wise choice."

"Oh," Roberta cries excitedly, "Can I have that rather good looking trainee in the property department?"

"Which trainee?"

"Pete."

On the other side of the office, a rather good looking trainee called Pete screamed, "No!"

"I think he’s, erm, busy with a completion," the Head Secretary says.

On the other side of the office, Pete screams, "Thank you!"

"Okay, I’ll take Judy then."

Judy shudders. "I would, really I would, for the good of the company and all." Judy leans towards the Head Secretary and asks, "Will that go on my personal record, that I was considering the good of the company?"

Head Secretary nods quickly.

"And will that involve a substantial pay rise?" Judy asks.

"Doubt it."

"But?" Jack demands.

"Oh," Judy says, breaking into a huge smile as she turns back to Jack, "But I have a rather important appointment at lunch and I can’t miss it."

"What kind of appointment?"

"I’m having my hair done."

"Oh," says another secretary, "Are you having the streaks done again? That looked really nice last time."

"Yes, I though some highlights and perhaps a bit of the length cut off to make it more full bodied."

Jack coughs loudly. They all turn back to him. He looks irritably at watch. "We don’t have all day."

"Ruth, then," Roberta decides. "I choose Ruth to be my accomplice."

Ruth’s jaw drops and her eyes widen. "Me? Why me?"

"Well, we’re friends, aren’t we."

"I never thought we were that close myself."

Jack huffs loudly and says, "This is getting us nowhere. I will decide your accomplice. Someone smart with enough legal savvy to keep you out of trouble, someone … "

Just then, a very large solicitor plods passed, humming to himself as he stares at page three of the Sun newspaper in his hands. He burps loudly as he reaches the small gathering outside Jack’s office.

"Carl!" Jack declares.

Carl looks up. "What?"

"Carl?" Roberta gasps. "The burping fart machine?"

"The human waste disposal?" an unknown secretary cries in astonishment.

"The munchie monster?" a solicitor breathes.

"Hey!" Carl snaps, "I could sue you for defamation of character."

"What character?" the solicitor replies.

"It’s settled," Jack says. "You and Carl are the team who will bring the double size statue of the three men and a scroll back to the heart of Birmingham, to the people of Birmingham, where it belongs."

The crowd give a limp handed applause and then disperse. Carl waddles over to Roberta and whispers, "What’s going on?"

"He just told you," Roberta huffs. "We’re the team who’s going to bring back the double size statue of the three men and a scroll."

"What statue?"

"Oh this is going to be fun."

Behind his desk, Jack turns in the seat and says to his Attentive Secretary, "Aren’t I supposed to have a big fluffy cat in my lap or something?"

"That’s the baddie in the Austin Powers film," his secretary explained.

"Oh."

"So, what do I … we," Roberta asks, glancing pointedly at Carl, "have to do?"

"The double sized statue of three men, Bolton, Watt and Murdock, holding a scroll at the bottom of Broad Street outside the Registry Office has been stolen." Jack Sunnier explained. 

"Birmingham City Council think its an inside job and want us to get it back for them," Jack continued.  "The perpetrator who stole the double size statue of the three men and the scroll has sent us a message." Jack pulls a letter out of his pocket and pulls the scrap of paper from the envelope.

"What’s the postmark on that envelope?" Carl suddenly gasps.

Jack looks. "Birmingham."

"Birmingham," Carl repeats, rubbing his chin and gazing up at the ceiling. "Bir-ming-ham."

"Is it significant?" Jack asks.

"It tells us exactly where the thief is located. Right here in the city!"

"So we only have 977,087 people on our suspect list," Roberta breathes sarcastically. "The case is almost solved!"

Ignoring her, Carl excitedly asks, "Is it a stamp or a printed post mark on the envelope?"

"Stamp," says Jack.

"So," Carl says, still rubbing his chin, "The thief comes from Birmingham and he uses stamps, which implies he doesn't have access to a company franking machine, so he’s not an office worker. And he’ll have needed a crane or some mates to help him remove the double size statue of three men and the scroll from the plinth at the bottom of Broad Street. So he’s a labourer of some kind."

"Is this going anywhere?" Jack huffs impatiently.

"It could mean something," Carl replies. "Something important."

"Well, lets get on with the task in hand, shall we?"

Carl drops his hand from his chin.

"Now, have either of you read the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown?"

"What is that, like, a book, or something?"

"Good guess, Einstein," Roberta hisses.

"I’ll give you a brief rundown," Jack says, flicking through the well worn paperback. "There’ll be a lot of running about and dodging of baddies who will inevitably follow you. And there might be some blood involved at some point – "

"Blood?" Roberta gasps.

"It’s possible there could be some shooting."

"From guns?" Carl gasps.

"Oh you’re right on the ball today, aren’t you," Roberta drawls.

"Shut your face, secretary."

"Solicitor!"

"Yes, from guns," Jack interjects. "But of course the company isn’t liable for any form of injury incurred by personnel outside office premises."

"I’m not going then," Roberta huffs.

"There’ll be a bonus involved as a sign of our appreciation if you carry this off."

Silence.

"And … we’ll make you up to Personal Assistant."

"With a massive pay rise?"

Jack glances at his attentive secretary, who raises an eyebrow. "Possibly," he says.

"And if the statue isn’t recovered?" Roberta asks.

"We’ll probably sack you."

"Oh."

"What do I get?" Carl pouts.

Jack sighs heavily. "What do you want?"

"An expense account."

Jack glances at attentive secretary, who nods. "Okay," he sighs.

Carl made a fist and brought his elbow down against his expansive stomach. "Yes! Right, lets go," he said, grabbing at Roberta, who slaps his hand away, "First stop, MacDonalds."

"You haven’t heard the first clue yet," Jack says, stopping Carl dead in his tracks half way out the office. Carl slinks back in again.

Jack opens up the slip of paper from the envelope and cleared his throat. "Right," he said, coughing again, "The first clue reads, It’s crowded, its tacky, it’ll cost you an arm and a leg. To eat in this place where there’s a statues head."

"Sounds like an eating place of some sort," Carl said, licking his lips.

"No shit, Sherlock!  Lets see, costs an arm and a leg," Roberta pondered, "That could be pretty much any bar or café in Birmingham. Even the Victorian Restaurant in the Great Western Arcade charges £3.05 for the tiniest piece of cheesecake I’ve ever seen. £3.05! I mean, the menu had photographs of these luscious deserts in full portions, the cameraman must have got in real close to capture something so minuscule, that's all I can say."

"Doesn’t specifically say anything about slow service though," Carl added, "So that rules out Bushwackers, Café Uno and Sanctum."

Roberta tapped her finger on her lips. "Hmmm, crowded, tacky, expensive place to eat. Crowded, tacky , expensive. I’ve got it!" she suddenly cried.

"Where?" Jack gasped. "Where does the first clue start?"

Grinning, Roberta looked at Carl, then at Jack, and finally on the attentive secretary. "Nice earrings," she said.

Attentive Secretary fingered her earrings and said, "Thanks."

"Where?" Jack bellowed, standing up from his seat and leaning forward on his desk. "Where does it begin?"

Still grinning, Roberta said, "Crowded, tacky and expensive could only mean one place."

"Yes?"

Roberta glanced again at Carl, Jack and Attentive Secretary.

"WHERE?" Jack screamed.

"I’m just drawing the moment out to heighten the tension and sense of anticipation," Roberta said. "That’s what Dan Brown does, isn’t it?"

Jack breathed heavily. "Just tell us where."

With a final grin and one last glance at them all, Roberta said, "Beatties restaurant."

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