• Work

• Work

• More work

• Oh god!

• [And my birthday - 37 ... again!]

Tuesday 1

I sent a business email to a company, which bounced back with an automated response.  But no ordinary response.  This one said, “Hi. This is the email program at [blahblah.co.uk]. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following address.  This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.”

 There are human beans in the business world!  Or, at least, in their IT departments.  Long may they reign.

 Here’s something else that had me riveted today.  If only I could stare at my work and make it disappear as easily.

Wednesday 2

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Toyota had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, TOYOTA issued a press release stating:

If Toyota had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:  

1.      For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2.      Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.      Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.      Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.      Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6.      The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7.      The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8.      Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.      Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Thursday 3

Friday 4

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.....don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Monday  7

Tales from the West Midlands Public Transport - Part I

Got on bus this morning and the driver immediately turned the engine off.  I thought, “What have I done?”  Made my way up the stairs.  The bus driver threw open his cab door and came storming up the stairs behind me, clearly in a Very Bad Mood. 

Paranoia started screaming in an hysterical kind of way; “Didn’t you put makeup on? Can they throw you off buses for being clean-faced? Did you spray on perfume or Eau de Pong?”  I nervously sat down, ready to beat the brute off with my umbrella (cheap, flimsy, would last about 3 seconds if moved through the air at fast speed and disintegrate completely before it actually hit anything). 

“WHO’S SMOKING?” the bus driver bawled at all the schoolkids on the back seats, “WHOEVER’S SMOKING BETTER GET OFF THE BUS NOW AND I MEAN NOW I’M NOT DRIVING THIS BLOODY BUS UNTIL THE PERSON WHO WAS SMOKING GETS OFF RIGHT NOW.” 

This rant went on and on at high volume with the driver barely pausing to draw breath.  The whole bus went silent.  Paranoia back in check, I sat staring casually out of the window thinking how much I loved commuting into the city every day, while the driver ranted and raved all the way back down the stairs and back into his cab, where he continued to rant.  Eventually three embarrassed girls wriggled off, each of them saying, “It was you smoking!”  “No, it was you!” 

The bus started up and all was well with the world again.

Tuesday  8

Tales from the West Midlands Public Transport - Part II

So, standing at my bus stop tonight after work, two empty buses sailed passed without stopping.  My fellow travellers and I swapped weary, resigned looks.  When the third bus came, we all but lay down in the road in front of it, and got on.  The driver was muttering away, but nobody paid any notice.  It sailed passed all bus stops until it reached my stop.  As I waited to get off, the young driver wailed, “I’m not on a run, you know, I’m supposed to have finished my shift in the city.”

“But you’ve got passengers on board,” I said.

“They just got on!”  He was almost crying.  “I’ve got to go all the way round until they all get off again.”

As I disembarked, an elderly lady tried to get on.  I heard the driver wailing that he’d finished his run, but being deaf (or else very clever) she got on regardless.

The bus drove away with the driver looking very pained.

Wednesday 9

Once upon a time, not that long ago, I used to leave work at 5 o’clock and get home for around 5.45.  Then city traffic increased and I started getting home at 6.  Then 6.15. 

Then the gridlocks began and buses ran less regularly and were always packed to capacity.  I’m now falling through the door in an exhausted heap at 6.40.

That’s almost 3 hours a day commuting to and from work, 15 whole hours doing absolutely nothing every week.

I can’t take it any more!

I asked my bosses if I could change my hours in order to miss the worst of ‘rush hour’ traffic.  8.30am until 4.30pm.  Only half an hour, but it would make an ENORMOUS difference to my daily commute.  A compromise was reached.

I now do three days a week where I arrive early and leave early, which helps towards the insanity of of Birmingham traffic.  Three days a week I actually get on a bus where there’s room to breathe, where fellow passengers aren’t elbowing me in the ribs or standing on my feet and I’m not wedged in solid traffic.  Three days a week I get home before 5.30 and I’m not utterly knackered or on the verge of tears.

I’ve reclaimed some of my life back!

S’bloody great.

What Employment Ads Really Mean

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

 What Job Applicants Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTRED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me out!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career

Thursday 10

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. 

John Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director

Friday 11

Friday! Friday! Friday!

In celebration of the end of the week, I treated myself to a bag of crystallised ginger, which I love.  As I’m a caring, sharing kind of person, I took them round the office.  The response was pretty much like the roast chestnuts last year – people either love them, hate them or haven’t yet formed an opinion because they’ve never tried them.

“What is it?” the newbies asked, picking out a sugar coated lump. 

I’m caring and sharing, but I have an evil streak too.  “Try it and tell me what you think it is,” I grinned.

One young, cute-faced boss popped it into his mouth, and his face just creased up into the most horrendous I’m-about-to-die expression. 

“Do you like it?” I asked. 

He ran off to heave in the toilet.  That’s a no, then.

Meanwhile, back in the lift, a friend and I were coming back from having a cigarette in the frozen, wind-swept wasteland that is the basement.  “It’s Friday!” I said to her, “Let’s do our happy dance.”  So we started wriggling and waving our arms around (think David Brent in The Office).

The lift stopped.  Two bosses got in.  As I was buoyed up by Friday joy and vast quantities of ginger, I said to them, “Oh, we were just celebrating Friday by doing our happy dance.”

“Were you?” they said, so we demonstrated. 

And they joined in!

Four people wriggling happily in a lift, not recommended if you have a lift-swaying phobia, but fabulous for the soul.

I took a couple of parcels to the post office at lunch today (I know, too exciting for words).  I’d wrapped them in a hurry – basically threw them in bubble envelopes and stapled all round the edge.

The man in the post office was not pleased.

“Who wrapped these?” he asked.

“Er, me.”

“You can’t use staples,” he said, “It presents a health and safety risk to our staff.”

“Oh.”  Pause.  Should I shrug?  Apologise?  Create a scene?  “Shall I take them back?” I asked.

“No, I’ll tape them up for you,” he said.

“Oh, that’s nice of you,” I beamed, holding out my money.  “And if anyone’s injured by appalling wrapping technique, my address is on the back if they want to sue me.”

He didn’t smile.  People with no sense of humour are so boring.  He didn’t take my money, either.  He made me stand there whilst, very slowly, he covered my two parcels meticulously in enough sellotape to wrap the Town Hall, twice.  He kept glancing at me to see if I was getting annoyed, and I kept smiling at him, which annoyed him, which made him tape slower, which made my smile bigger. 

When he asked for the money, I made a big show of finding my purse and slowly counting out the right change.  All the time in the world, mate.

I walked off slowly, looking at a few items for sale on the way.

Once outside, I ran like hell back to office, nearly giving myself a stroke in an effort to not be late.

Git.

Tuesday 15

I saw a stalker on the bus today.  Not mine, of course, somebody else’s.  It was really weird.

I sat on the only seat available, next to a young girl who was sitting in a funny position, sort of at an angle facing away from the window.  People who sit next to windows tend to stare out of the window (and people not sitting at windows tend to stare straight ahead, blankly, wondering why the hell they do this every day).

I thought at first she was staring at me.  But no, she was staring, unblinkingly and relentlessly, at another passenger sitting on the front seat.  Bristol man!

Bristol man, who likes to take up two seats as he ‘reads’ his book, was clearly aware of this attention and wasn’t at all comfortable about it.  He kept fidgeting, glancing out of the corner of his eye at the girl, who didn’t flinch in her frozen gaze.  Bristol man put his hat on, pulled it down over his face, took it off, shifted his position, and then suddenly leapt up from his seat.

He got off the bus.  It wasn’t his normal stop.  He was obviously making a run for it.  The girl threw herself against me, demanding I get out of her way.

I sat next to the window, watching as Bristol Man strode very quickly down the road.

Closely followed by his stalker.

Weird.

Thursday 17

Three desk diaries arrived at our office today for bosses.  I handed one to a boss’s secretary, who put it on the side whilst she finished a task.  When she went to pick it up again, someone had whipped it!

Not what you expect to happen in a corporate office.

I sent out an email to the secretaries, asking them if their bosses had taken it ‘by mistake’, if any of them had any suspicious diary-shapes about their person and suggesting a full body frisk might be required.

“Who in this office would you want to frisk?” a secretary emailed back.

“Oh, a few,” I replied.

“Really???  Who????”

So I sent her a short list of some of the better looking bosses, adding that a list of the ones I’d happily cattle-prod was to follow.

She replied, “Oh I’m SO sorry, I accidentally forwarded your email to the whole company.”

WHAT?

I raced over to the secretary.  “WHAT?  BLOODY WHAT?”

She grinned.  “Just kidding,” she said.

“Cow,” I hissed.

That’s one less Crimbo pressie I have to buy then.

Friday 18

A really really really nice day.

I arrived at work and was stunned to find birthday presents waiting for me - unexpected since I hadn’t mentioned my birthday to anyone (always seems like you’re asking for something if you do).  All the girls got really excited as I opened them.  I was really touched.

Lunch with mom and sister, who hoisted more presents upon me.  When I got back, a posse of secretaries suddenly surged from the other side of the office came and gathered around my desk.  More presents!

“I really didn’t expect this,” I told them, overwhelmed as I sat there surrounded by flowers and wrapping paper.   I was virtually fanning my fingers in front of my eyes and acting like a complete girl.

Yes, a really really really nice day.

Apart from the struggle getting it all home on the bus.

Saturday 19

MY BIRTHDAY! 

Oh my God, another one, so soon.  I quite like being ‘mature’ with all the experience (been there, done that, sigh).  I like being able to say “No” and mean it (“No, I’m not attending the bloody AGM.”  “No, I’m not doing social visits or events any more, ever.”)  I like knowing who I am and I certainly like where I’ve ended up.

It’s just the number that bugs me.  A lot.  And no, I’m not going to tell you how old I am … mentally I’m still 20, so its always a shock when I look in the mirror and think “Who the bloody hell is that?”

So, today is my birthday.  It’s 8am and I’m sitting in my study wearing stripey socks, looking out of the window onto my frost-covered garden, having opened a rather fab present from Middle Son (Robbie Williams new CD yes! AND the original Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series fantastic!).  I’m worrying about the squirrel that’s currently cutting a swathe across the white lawn (wondering if he’d wear socks and scarf if I put them out for him) and thinking about my three fine sons, my handsome Yorkshireman, and life in general.

I haven’t done so bad.

So the excitement of my birthday and getting lots of pressies and all the attention has worn off.  Woke up this morning and thought, “Oh God, I’m getting old.”

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!        

Monday 21

Absolutely blisteringly cold.  Wore that many clothes I left the house looking like a round ball, barely able to move, waddling along like a bloody great penguin.  Stood in the wind tunnel where my bus stop is - by the time the bus finally came my feet had stuck to the ground and I no longer had any feeling in any part my body.

Waddled into work with a bloody temperature of about 0 to discover that the lifts weren’t working, so everyone had to plod up the stairs - I feared for the survival of those on the top floor, but at least it warmed us up.

THEN we discovered that the air conditioning was buggered too, blowing out cold air instead of warm so the office was like a great big freezer.  We all but had to scrape the ice off our computer monitors it was that flipping cold.

Spent most of the day sitting at our desks wearing coats, hats and scarves.

I love Monday’s.

Tuesday 22

My sister bought me two tops for my birthday, but they were the wrong size.  One was a teensy tiny one from H&M that didn’t cost much, the other from M&S which cost quite a lot.  As I couldn’t really be bothered to go all the way to H&M to change it, I offered it to a work colleague.  Then off I toddled to M&S (who actually hide their returns counter down at the bottom of a long, dark corridor).

“I’d like to exchange this, please,” I told the man at the counter.

He inspected the top for a long, long time.  Then I thought he said, “Do you like prizes?”

Oh goody, I was their millionth customer or something and was about to get a free gift.  “Yes, I love prizes,” I beamed excitedly.

“Surprises,” he said.

“Oh.  What kind of surprise?”

“This top is from H&M,” he said.

Oh bugger, I'd brought the wrong top back.  Even more buggery, I’d given the expensive M&S top to my colleague and could hardly ask for it back, that would just be rude.

“Did you try on that top I gave you?” I asked her nervously, when I got back to the office.

“Yes,” she said, “But it didn’t fit properly.”

Oh phew!

“Try this one instead,” I said, handing her the H&M top which I thought was M&S but wasn’t.

We did a swop.  The H&M one fitted her.

And I get to visit M&S’s returns counter.  Again.

Joy.

Wednesday 23

There was an ‘incident’ on Birmingham’s infamous Broad Street last night which meant it was closed off this morning.  It was interesting to note the difference between those people who had listened to the radio prior to leaving the house (and who got off at Five Ways to walk the rest of the way into the city) and those who hadn’t (all those stunned faces on the bus wondering where the hell they were going when the bus Went The Wrong Way). 

As I walked/did my stuffed penguin imitation down Broad Street, the howling wind made my eyes water.  When I wipe the streaming tears from my face they were actually starting to freeze.

Jeez, how COLD is that!

Thursday 24

I’m loving my MP3 player, radio in the morning (with Elliot Webb’s infamous Phone Tap), and a personal selection of music at night.  I’m trying to be ‘modern’ with my listening so bought a couple of chart CDs to download onto my player.  Rang Middle Son to tell him how ‘hip and with it’ his mother was.  “Bodysnatchers and Moby Dick are brill,” I told him.  He couldn’t stop laughing.

Oh yeah, finger on the pulse, me.

Strutted into work with I Like The Way You Move blasting in my ears and danced all the way to my desk.

Great start to the day.

The end to the day, however, wasn’t so good.  Bits of Beetham Tower on Holloway Circus had apparently fallen off, which brought the city centre to a standstill.  By the time my bus finally came, I had one of those ice headaches and just wanted to lie down on the frost-covered ground and cry/die.  Luckily I had a good book (and, of course, my MP3 player), so the hour and a half it took me to get home passed pleasantly enough.

I had to soak in a hot bath for an hour before I could feel my extremities again.

Friday 25

The Day the Company Network Crashed.  Oh fun.  The dictation software was, basically, screwed - we either couldn’t see it, couldn’t open it or crashed whilst using it.  IT’s attempts to fix it resulted in a huge amount of old dictations coming through (and the sound of secretaries crying, “I’ve done this! And this!”).  The email system died a death, Word documents weren’t being saved, and the entire network just ground to a halt.

Secretaries were doing each others dictations as and when they turned up:

“Can you see Fred’s dictation on the system?”

“Yeah, I’ll do it if you can find Joe’s dictation.”

“Got it.”

“Great.”

Teamwork is a wunnerful, wunnerful thang.

I’m not saying my Partner talks a lot, but I’ve lived in this area nearly all my life and it’s only since I’ve been with him that local people recognise us and even know our names.  He’ll tell anyone anything.

Take today, when I had to have an eye test, only I’d forgotten my voucher from work so caught up with my Partner – shopping – earlier than anticipated.  He was in the butchers.  Butcher 1 asked me how I’d got on at the opticians.  Butcher 2 held up some fingers and said, “How many can you see?”  Butcher 3 dodged from side to side saying, “Can you see me now?  Can you see me now?”

“You’re such a blabbermouth,” I told him when we left, “Do you tell them how often we have sex, too?”

“Why do you think they remember our names,” he grinned.

Oooooooooooooooooh.

Monday 28

And then it snowed.

Snow is quite nice when you’re at home, snuggled up in front of the gas fire, reading a good book and glancing out of the window at the delicate flakes floating down.  Very festive.

In an office, a completely different scenario.  Everyone gathers by windows, looking deeply concerned and muttering things like, “Hope it doesn’t stick.”  “It’s sticking!”  “Oh God, the city will be gridlocked.”  “We’ll never get home.”

And there’s always one, at the back, whimpering, “We’ll be trapped.  We won’t get out of the building.  We’ll freeze to death!  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

Usually it’s me.

Tuesday 29

Finally got round to taking the top back to Marks & Spencers.  “My sister bought me this,” I told the assistant at the returns counter, “Can I exchange it for something else?”

“Do you have the credit card it was bought with?” the assistant snapped, inspecting the receipt.

“No,” I said, a bit confused, “It was my sister’s card.”

“But do you have it?” she barked irritably.

“Why would I have my sister’s credit card?”

“I can only give you vouchers, then,” she snarled.

“Fine!”

So, armed with my vouchers, I wandered over to the lingerie department (where men loitering with their wives desperately tried to look invisible).  I thought I might get a girdle so I’d be able to breathe out once in a while.  As I’ve never bought one before, I assumed you got one in the size you wanted to be, so I picked a size 10 and took it into the changing room.  The woman handing me my ‘1 item’ card glanced at the girdle, then at me.  ‘Not a chance in hell,’ visibly passed over her face.

Of course, I couldn’t get it above my knees so took it back to the woman, who grinned in a kind of ‘knew it’ way.  Eventually, after much huffing and puffing, I found the right size and took it up to the pay counter along with two bras. 

Three women and one man serving at the tills (a man! in the lingerie department?).  Of course, I got the man, and handed him my smalls.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then said, “Have you checked the sizes of the bras in the boxes, because sometimes they get mixed up?”

“No,” I said, “I’m sure they’ll be – “

And he whipped the bras – my bras – out of the boxes and started inspecting them.  Oh yeah, take a good look at the underwear I’ll be wearing later, why don’t you!

Very odd.

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